Call me over protective, over reacting...whatever...it's my kid...and I can't be any of those things!

My oldest started 6th grade today. He got up, showered, applied deoderant, did his hair ( yes we finally convinced him to cut the sheep dog off his head). He even used hair gel. He put on his "labeled" clothing and grabbed his cell phone (for the first time). We reached alot of milestones today. He looked handsome. He acted confident. He didn't even turn around and look when he closed the car door behind him as I was dropping him off in front of "junior high". The kids all looked small and harmless to me, and I know my boy will be fine, but there were a few crinkles we had to iron out today.
First off, he now starts school an hour earlier, and he gets out of school an hour earlier. Two weeks ago, while still in elementary school, I would drop him off before school, and check them into the gym, and then again he would report to the gym after school and remain there playing sports, doing homework, etc. until I came to pick both kids up in the evening. Occupied. Out of trouble. Safe. Supervised.
He's 11. I'm okay with him being home by himself for a few hours, a few days a week. If I have to run to an appointment and I'm going to be gone an hour or two...no problem. He's smart. He's responsible. We have neighbors available to help if he needs it, and he knows what to do, and how to get in touch with us if an emergency were to occur. Hubby keeps telling me it's time to loosen my hold on the leash a little.
Now that we have one child in the safe, supervised, occupied situation, but one that is very much out of it (this would be my son) I had to figure out the bussing situation (husband didn't realize that we had to register him for bussing) and I was disgruntled when I found out that they expected my 11 year old son to walk to school because we aren't 2 miles from our front door to theirs. We're 1.97 miles. (Are you freaking kidding me?) So the kid that lives around the corner...literally 2 houses down, can ride the bus to school in 6 minutes. I think Google estimated it would take my son 42 minutes to walk to school. It is literally 2 plots of land between my son, and a safe ride to and from school. There are many reasons why the school district can kiss my butt....but this just adds to the pile! Apparently there is some variance I can request in October (um...okay...what do we do for the next month?) The neighbors down the street that have already encountered this issue...they are 1.89 miles away....have already tried this, only to be told "too bad". Their words to us "good luck".
We have the luxury that for the most part we can work around this. Adam has Thursdays and Fridays off (currently) and my schedule gives me more freedom than most 9-5ers. BUT there are some mornings this just isn't going to work. And it won't work any afternoon with the exception of the days that Adam has off (currently...and I do stress currently). Why am I freaking out? I'M NOT MAKING MY KID WALK 1.97 MILES TO GET TO SCHOOL! It's not safe...don't even get me started on Nevada's sex offender laws (or complete lack of and disregard for). There are alot of pukey little kids out there with parents that just don't give a sh**t. So they do whatever they want. The kid up the street...1.89 miler...he was trying to ride his bike to school...a short cut that cuts off probably half a mile but involves crossing the same busy street I can't pull onto in the morning, and a cut through an "alley way" of sorts (actually it's a flood way) seperating two neighborhoods, and a jaunt up a mountainy hill...this last year had his head split open when some mean lil' sh** threw a rock at his head. Enough said. My kid is not walking...riding a bike....hopping on a scooter...whatever...it's not happening.
Adam thinks I'm ridiculous. He thinks I'm too over protective. He thinks a bully or two and a few scuffles might toughen my boy up...make him a "little man". You don't want to know what I say to that. This kid is 11. I'm not forcing him to learn "street smarts". I'm not throwing him out to the damn wolves so they can ruin him. He's too perfect for that, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. You don't want to deal with an angry female grizzly if her cubs are harmed...so why even go near the idea??? So quit poking the bear with the stick (she's pregnant and gets pissed easily.) I'm wagering he won't feel the same way once Hayden ventures his way into the world. All of my neurosis might start to make a little sense to him. At least I'm hoping they will. It's something you have to feel to understand. Worrying about every little thing. Getting up six times in the middle of the night to lean over that tiny little guy's crib and reaching down to feel his chest moving up and down...just to make sure he's still breathing. This life is so precious, and you will do ANYTHING to make sure it's protected. Even when he's 11 years old.
11 years ago I gave birth to this kid. When I looked into his big brown eyes the day he was born I made a promise to him, myself, and to god that I would keep this baby boy safe from all the wrong out there. He would have everything I could give him. The world would belong to him. I would do anything for him. Even some of the wrong things because I thought it was right. I put up with his dad's shit for the sake of "having a father" in his life and nobody ever looking at him like he was "one of those kids". Ya know, "that kid", the one with the young single mom, never married. Whatever. I wasn't that woman, and this baby boy wasn't that kid. We had too much to offer the world, and it had too much to offer us. Nobody would ever put that stigma on us. So I married his dad. One day I woke up in my terribly unhappy marriage to a "man" I couldn't stand to look at, and I grew up and I realized I was raising my son with someone that couldn't even handle himself...okay, so I married the jerk...a big, big mistake. I had satisfied my own insecurities and now Nolan was not "one of those kids"...but I was miserable, and I was smart enough to know that if I stayed with that life, my sweet little boy would be too. So I sucked it up. All the fears I had about not being able to make it, and staying put so life would be easier.... no way. I left with not a penny to my name as soon as he gave me the opportunity. Now I was a young divorced single mother...and I didn't give a shit. My kid was growing and beautiful and healthy. That's all that mattered to me. Ya know that line in Jerry McGuire where Renee Zellweger says "Do you know what women my age are doing? They are partying in clubs; trying to get a man, trying to keep a man. Not me! I'm trying to RAISE a man!" That was me! I've spent the last decade working my tail off to support this kid, and make sure that I made good on that commitment I made to everyone 11 years ago. I was lucky enough that I found an incredible man that stepped right in and didn't mind helping. And thank god for him. I do every day. I love Adam more than anything....but he just doesn't understand this. He doesn't get why I'm so "over protective". He sees this kid...this normal 11 year old lil' boy. He thinks he's a bit of a momma's boy...and well, okay he is. But that's because his momma has been there doing everything she can to make sure he's what he can be. And ya know what, he IS everything I wanted him to be. Smart. Talented. Handsome. Well mannered. Funny. Kind. Good Natured. He didn't get that way because I did things the wrong way. For the major part of his childhood he had Grandpa as the man in his life. To show him what being a boy was. Not the same as having an uber masculine around like Adam. Adam has given this kid so much since he came into his life, but I keep trying to remind him that for a very large portion of his life...he was all mine....and you can't change the foundation once it's laid. I'm not at all ashamed of what my kid is, regardless of what anyone thinks about that, momma's boy or not, this kid had (has) a great life. He didn't want for anything. He was safe. He always had opportunity. And I'll say it again....IT WORKED! He's a great kid! And I love him with all my heart...and I'll be damned if I'm going to let convenience, or chance, or the idea of letting him go out there alone with the hopes it will make him "more manly" put him in harms way, or having too much freedom, too soon to make bad decisions he's not ready to make and consequences he will never be "man" enough to face. That's the commitment I made.
I realize I can't protect this kid from everything. He still has to learn how to live his own life and maneuver his way through the next few years which will make all the difference in who he becomes depending upon how successfully he does that. I'm enlisted as his partner, though. My job is to make sure he has just enough slack to make choices. Hope that I gave him the right tools to make the right ones, and when he does make the wrong ones...the courage and strength to dig his way out of the hole he dug. But I'll be damned if I dig the hole for him, push him in and help him throw dirt on himself. It's still my job to protect him. He is still my baby. I will still think of every possible thing that could go wrong, or that could happen and take the steps to prevent it...and ya know...I'm not so naive to believe that even all THAT will be enough! But I will never be standing there thinking to myself "coulda, woulda, shoulda".
He may be a big boy now, with gel in his hair, a cell phone in his plaid Quicksilver shorts, and Converse shoes that are too big for me....but he's still that little baby boy I once checked on several times a night...and I'll do everything I can to make sure he keeps breathing.