The egg that grew like a plant

Weeks 25-28 (month 6): Eggplant
Posted Monday, July 09, 2007 5:03 PM
If I were to let Adam put an ear to my belly -- he might be able to pick up Hayden's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Adam doesn't really have the patience for that. I think he's still questioning whether or not he's feeling him move still, or if I just have gas. Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving baby Hayden a healthy pink glow. Baby's also soaking up my antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and Hayden will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes. I hope he has Adam's long eyelashes. I love Adam's eyes, too. So soft and constantly changing. One day they are steel gray, another baby blue, and sometimes they have a greener gray cast to them. Something else that is a little more reassuring, but scary to think about is that if I were to go into pre-term labor for any reason and he were to be born tomorrow he would actually be able to survive outside the womb...but we won't think about that...he's going to stay put just a little bit longer.

I've been really emotional lately. Certain people really piss me off...the same people that pissed me off before, except now it's all I can do to keep from throwing things at their heads. But I don't. At least I still have control of myself in that aspect. Barely. :)

Today I about lost it on my way out the door. Adam has been a little irritable lately as well, and for some reason strong words or just plain cranky indifference from him reduce me to tears. This morning he was a little bit nasty, he was mad about putting his new headlight in the truck as I was pulling out of the driveway, and trying to maneuver around the truck without hitting it. Made him nervous I guess, so he got on my case a little. That got to me. So I'm pulling out of the driveway blinking away globs of wetness from my eyeballs. Then I came home to work in the afternoon and he was a little cranky and indifferent, and before we could even start having a serious discussion I'm nearly drowning in my snot and eyeball "perspiration". That turned into 20 minutes of facial showering.

Tonight I was trying to get ready for dinner with my boss and her boss and another manager, I was short on time, and high on stress, and Adam was wondering why I was being so bitchy...actually I think he said something like that and it really got under my skin. So I got flustered and cried. Ugh! Had enough of the water works already!

I feel like a big bawl baby. I recognize a good deal of this is hormonal. A little bit of it is environmental. And some of it is just me getting to me.

Right now I'm really needing and wanting attention and affection from Adam and he has been very tired and cranky, distracted, and a little checked out at home. Busy at work. He deals with the idiot kings of the idiot world everyday, and when he gets home he's just on his last thread of patience which is usually broken by the kids within the first 5 minutes he walks in the door. So his arms, legs and head have crawled up into his shell and he zones out for a good part of the evening. Much like a turtle, if you touch him he might stick his head out to nip or hiss, but it pulls right back up into the shell again, and isn't to be seen until the next morning when he's on his way out the door. This gets my head working overtime. Even if it's not me, I'll take responsibility for it and try to figure out what I did.

I try to just ignore all the craziness whirling around in my head figuring it's past experiences that are getting the best of me, and my neediness for him stems a great deal from that. When I was 6 months pregnant (both times) with Nolan and Evyn, I left their dad and spent the rest of my pregnancy on my own. He looked at me like I was disgusting in my bloated pregnant state....and on top of that he had (ahem) some extra-curricular activities going on the side of our relationship. Both times he had a girlfriend and at 6 months I found out, and left. When I was pregnant with Evyn, I took that as my great opportunity to exit without being the horses ass who "left my husband, and ran off with the kids". When I delivered Evyn, his office actually had to call him at said girlfriends house to tell him that his daughter had arrived. Jackass.

I thought I had let go of all that, the insecurities those experiences harbored....but maybe I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to get out of the relationship, of course, but scared to be on my own with two young children, not alot of money and the fuel of being pissed off and eager to make something of my life regardless of the circumstances all at the same time. Those experiences served me well in some ways, but in others, I guess there's some pretty deep issues that stuck around hiding even fromme. I just remember feeling like and asking myself what was wrong with me that the man just couldn't be good to me? He was out there being good to everyone else, and here I was the pregnant sow, carrying and birthing his child. There was also a bit of feeling responsible that somehow I hadn't done something right. Too demanding? Too high maintenance? Too fat (and pregnant?) I'd let myself go too much during the pregnancies ( which is complete bullshit...I look back at pictures of myself when I was pregnant with them and I was petite, and cute and always done up. Somehow I remember feeling like even that wasn't good enough and as much I despised that man, I felt like it was my fault that he treated me so badly. I know he was just an ass, but it still gets under your skin a little bit.

I suppose it's somewhat normal to be unsettled right now. Even 10 years later. Even being married to a man that I am actually in love with. Adam is definitely in no way similar to my ex-husband. It's still hard to seperate some of the panic and feelings that are rearing their ugly heads though. I'm trying desperately to stifle some of those things, and quit worrying about and having irrational thoughts, but having an irritable hubby at home is feeding it a little bit. Ahhhh....pregnancy....sometimes it isn't the joy I think it's supposed to be. Why is it that we can't be pregnant and rational all at the same time?????