My brain is sagging

No really. It is. It's disturbing me that this is responsible for the massive headache I've had since delivery. Ya see my friends, I have never had an epidural for a reason. It scared the hell out of me that someone would be placing something in my back so close to my spinal cord. It just geeks me out. But for some reason this time around, knowing that Hayden was a larger baby, and this was the last time I was going to do this, I figured I'd give it a shot. I knew there were risks involved with it, but the chances were very low, so I figured what the hell. Turns out I'm in the small percentage that suffers complications because of it. When they placed the needle and the catheter for my epidural the dura ( the membrane seperating the spinal column and spinal fluid from the area where the epidural actually goes) was punctured. When this happens spinal fluid leaks out into that space and lowers the pressure built up. The brain actually sags a bit and sits on the membrane surrounding it, and pulls on the tissues that hold the brain intact which is where the "pain" comes from. Alas I've had the worse headache of my life since delivery. This happens to 1 in 200 women. The day after delivery the anaesthesiologist came back to "fix" it. There is something called a blood patch they can do that is supposed to take care of it. They go back in epidural style, take some blood from your arm and insert that into the catheter. The blood clots up and is supposed to "patch" the puncture. This works 95% of the time and resolves the issue. I am in the 5% that it didn't work for...the first time. I can have this done again on Wednesday. I'm not real eager. Thus far the odds have not been in my favor, and every time they introduce that needle into my back the risk of infection goes up. That's all I need...meningitis. NO THANK YOU! This is supposed to resolve itself over time...but just how much time is what scares me. I am feeling really good and would like to get up and get around and do something...but I can't exactly. I can lay flat. Some days I can get up and walk around. I can't bend over, and I can't sit up. I've been on narcotic pain killers, which I can't decide if they are actually working or not. I gave up breast feeding because of this. Broke my heart :(. At first I was going to try to pump to keep my milk supply up, but when I can't even sit up long enough to pump without excruciating brain pain, and then being unbelievably sick afterward, it was becoming more a stressor and I would just cry in a ball...which only made the headache and nauseousness worse. Adam just finally looked at me and said "I know how important it was to you to breast feed him, but you can't help this. It's only making you crazy, so just let it go, baby. Millions of babies are bottle fed, and they are just fine. I know what the studies say, but I really don't think he's going to be any less intelligent, or develop some odd illness because we had to formula feed. Just let it go." Sadly, I knew he was right. It still makes me sad that I'm not breast feeding. Dumping precious breast milk down the drain made me sadder though. Thinking about dumping narcotic laden breast milk into my newborn (because I actually had a doctor tell me it wasn't a big deal) @$%^&! Sends me over the edge. (I sometimes question the quality of medical practitioners in Vegas). I have to admit it is a bit of a relief to "just let it go". The first few days were driving me crazy trying to deal with the pain and breast feed. I wasn't relaxed and this was impeding my ability to give him what he needed. Thus we had a very irritable, very cranky, very hungry baby. HE was relieved that first formula feeding. You could just see the satisfaction come over him when his belly was full and warm. (sigh) (sob) (another big sigh). I just knew I had to do something for him.
I have ringing in my ears and that weird echo inside my head whenever I talk with the plugged ear feeling. I get nauseous if I sit up too long. Not good for trying to feed baby period. I have to ask myself would I do the epidural again knowing what I know now? Probably not.